Christmas • 12/25/23
It’s Christmas Day And I’m crying If I said I was excited for this holiday I’d be lying Amid consumerism and capitalism All I want for Christmas is the peace of living As I’ve gotten older Not only has the anticipation of this day lessened But the sense of it too Other than being a selfishly confusing holiday I truly don’t have a clue Why we celebrate a day belonging to another person Another group, a different religion, When Jesus wasn’t even born on this day anew. • I ruined the family didn’t I? I didn’t mean to… All I wanted to do was exist. And be happy. Was that too tall an order? I don’t deserve anything for the holidays. Why would I think I ever did. What even is the notion of deserving? It’s all so silly. All of the joyful holidays are behind me. It won’t stop hurting like this. I miss being blissfully happy. I miss it. Even though I don’t want to return to it. December 26 My granddad asked me this Christmas if I was still the same person as who I was before college. Images of the past two years flashed before my eyes. They weren’t happy memories. Sweat building up on my brow, I scoffed as if the question itself was preposterous. My first lie… “Yes.” I answered so as to appease any further questioning. My dad looked at me with a face that said we both knew that was a lie. And while he sees me as his little girl grown up, I know myself as a completely different, other being. Whenever I think about my age, that one scene always comes to mind where the Doctor says with a look of exhausted pain in his eyes, “I’m so old now.” Compared to how old I used to be, who I used to be, I am so much older now…
About lttv
letters to the void. is a collection of short poems on trans and queer existence amid abuse, on Black existence, on mad existence, and the writer’s journey out of imposed darkness
To the reader, please note that the traditional format of the lttv poems follow a chronological theme as the reader goes through the ins and outs of the writer’s life and experiences. Some of this formatting may have been altered or posted out of order to adapt to the Substack platform.
While the journey has been rough, I would like to leave you with these words that have encouraged me through it all <3
" come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed " - Lucille Clifton
“Nature held me close and seemed to find no fault with me.” - Leslie Feinberg from Stone Butch BluesDedicated
☆ to myself and for all those in a similar place
☆ to all of my trans siblings and especially my Black siblings <3