It’s Christmas Day And I’m crying If I said I was excited for this holiday I’d be lying Amid consumerism and capitalism All I want for Christmas is the peace of living As I’ve gotten older Not only has the anticipation of this day lessened But the sense of it too Other than being a selfishly confusing holiday I truly don’t have a clue Why we celebrate a day belonging to another person Another group, a different religion, When Jesus wasn’t even born on this day anew. • I ruined the family didn’t I? I didn’t mean to… All I wanted to do was exist. And be happy. Was that too tall an order? I don’t deserve anything for the holidays. Why would I think I ever did. What even is the notion of deserving? It’s all so silly. All of the joyful holidays are behind me. It won’t stop hurting like this. I miss being blissfully happy. I miss it. Even though I don’t want to return to it.